god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
We left an ass print on the piano.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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