Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i love accidental penises.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
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