the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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