we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
