I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
