if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
