I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
