I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
