Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
