Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
