I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
