I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
