dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
