just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
