There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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