I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Dear god my vagina.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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