that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
