There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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