I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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