The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
