is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
Randomize
