you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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