I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
