thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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