Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
