We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
soo... how was my night?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
