My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
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