do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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