the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
All I can see in the pic you sent is white shorts...
Thas my pasnts in colleg! Tehy glow! AND SMELL LIKE BEER!
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
