I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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