i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
