Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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