I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
