She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You've changed since you got that strap on
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
