it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
where are my eyebrows?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
