Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
