No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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