our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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