New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
