Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
