Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
