I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
