My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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