opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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