My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Randomize
