walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
