Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize