Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg I joined a choir last night...
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
