i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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