Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
