They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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