mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Randomize
