I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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