i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
