i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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